For the most part, I use this blog to talk about horror and post things for my fans. I never really use it to dive into anything personal, but at the moment my heart is beating a mile a minute and I can't seem to get a clear thought together. So, I decided to use this space to get it out. This year we have had a lot of celebrity suicides and it's caused people to speak up about mental health issues. Anthony Bourdain & Rick Genest aka Zombie Boy are two that shook me on a personal level, I've never met these two men, I've only said two things to Zombie Boy online, but their deaths hit me hard. These are two men who worked and pushed their industries forward in so many ways and still, they fell victim to their mental illness. It's a pain and worries that I know all too well, I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD all these make a nice suicidal combo.
I walk through life with a big smile because, in my head, I tell myself no one cares about your pain or what you're going through. One time when I was on active duty at Fort Riley, I sat down all day on my bed and I told myself, I was gonna kill myself. I sat waiting to see if anyone even cared that they didn't hear from me all day. It was before my meds and my meetings and my mom called me and saved myself because I was seconds away from hanging myself in my closet. I know that's dark and ugly but those were the thoughts that were in my head, those are the thoughts that are in my head all the time. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm wondering why I even keep pushing forward. Thankfully I've found help and I wake up every morning telling myself, that things can't get better if I'm gone.
Some people aren't that lucky, at any given moment in the day there is someone sitting down wondering if their life means anything. It's a scary and painful thought to have and I just want to take this moment to say, your life means everything. We as human beings have the power to change every day. You can rise when you fall, nothing ever has to be final or the end for us if we don't want it to be. I've been looking at myself, taking a long hard look at it and I believe everyone should because if you're not happy, you have the power to do something about it.
Don't take your life, save it! Be your own superhero, find people that care, talking to people who feel the same way. If anyone ever needs to talk about anything I'm always there. As far as others go, just be kind to one another, live your life with empathy and understanding.